Inhumane welcoming society
(Also see article on minutes before six blog)
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| Drawn by Armando Macias (currently in San Quentin) of his cell in 2012 |
The drive to Orange county Jail was quiet, no-one spoke, no radio, no bathroom breaks for me, only for the deputies escorting me. I found that dehumanising. I was in tight leg irons and just as tight waist chains connected to my wrists, both cutting my skin. I was still able to ignore the pain to enjoy the day long drive in amazement and wondering of the tiny universes in each car, homes and buildings.
The prison’s entrance is on the beautiful bay water’s edge. It’s a huge contrast between the majestic oceanic view and the eye soar of an old prison. The view was the last picturesque view I was to see.
I was to be placed on “potty watch”. I put on my T-shirt, boxers and socks. Tape was tightly wrapped around my lower thigh muscles above my knee serving to constrict my movement and blood circulation. Two identical one piece white outfits were put on with strings as buttons. One was placed on me backwards, strings tied, then the other forward strings tied. The waist chains were so tight I found it hard to breathe. I thought the ride up here was uncomfortable. This was to be torture. Leg irons were cutting into my ankles. No shoes for my feet. More tape on the outside of the outfit; around my ankles and thighs. The walk up to the adjustment centre was very painful. My request for it all to be loosened a bit went ignored.
I was told I was going to stay in the Adjustment Centre (A/C), also known as ‘the hole’, for troublemakers. I.G.I told me unless I become an informant I’ll stay in the A/C. it’s a statement I ignored and found unreasonable so therefore untrue….wow, was I wrong.
I was placed in a 5 feet by 3 foot wide cell In the middle of the second floor. It was a lesson in what it means to be treated inhumanely. No shower, no soap, the tape and the chains made my movement painful, and relaxing was virtually impossible. A mattress was given to me in the night. I fell over and hit my head trying to lie down. I welcomed the 3 inch mattress, but the pad lock dug into my waist making it painful to sleep. One of the correctional orders tried to tell the I.G.I officers to loosen the waist chains up a bit so I may eat my food…He was met with a stern response that he’s ‘doing it by the book’.
That was to prove to be the symbolic format of death row. An inhumane system with both humane and cruel humans working in it. Eating was hard to do since the spoon wouldn’t reach my mouth. I had to use the bathroom in a bag and cup in front of the officers who were intently watching me. I did this at the beginning of the tier where anyone in the cell could look out and see. It’s embarrassing and humiliating to do what’s normally private in front of other men. But obviously it’s the norm for these men. Since they nonchalantly went through the process of “potty watch”.
When asked why I was placed on potty watch I was told it in a matter of fact way “You’re a Southern Hispanic. This is your welcoming to death row”. It was said as if I should’ve known I’m to be treated as I was, and I’m to be submissive and accepting of it.
The cell I went into after I finished 3 ½ days of “potty watch” was smelly with another inmates old blankets and clothes. It smelled, was dirt and in serious need of cleaning. I was placed in a “quiet cell” which is behind two gates. I had to clean it despite the pain in my hands, back and legs from the lack of proper circulation. I forced myself to soap up the cell with an old soap and used towels that were in there. I threw out the used blankets and clothes.
I was issued only a small percentage of what I’m supposed to be issued. It took me 4 months to get my second towel, 3 days to receive my plastic spoon (the type used at parties and fast food restaurants) and 4 months to get my plastic fork. To this day I still don’t have my full issue of clothes. It’s cold during the winter, especially when the air conditioner is on. We’re supposed to have 2 blankets. It took me 2 months to get my second blanket.
I questioned myself, is it always like this? I discovered the rules are not explained, but learned at the pain and suffering if the inmate. I was strip searched for the shower and handcuffed behind my back, told to walk backwards as though I was a mild maniac. This process of strip searching is the normal procedure all inmates in the A/C go through when leaving and coming from the cell or yard, even in the rain. All other yard cages in San Quentin have a cover for the rain. Yard cages in the A/C do not. We get soaked when it rains.
I didn’t know we are supposed to leave out our other hand when its un-cuffed, so when I pulled it in, my other hand was roughly pulled out until I pulled out my other hand… death row was turning out to be a rough ride.
It’s been 18 months since my arrival to death row. I came to death row with the belief that the older the prison the better the program. San Quentin being over 100 years old (from the 1800s), I expected at the very least the run a program equal to other CDCR prisons programs. I had heard of a humane death row where men may find avenues of personal growth, redemption and education. A death row where men are able to face execution as a human being, not animals in a cage. I came to death row believing I would be a condemned man subject to rules that were equally applied to all condemned people. I had expected to be treated in direct relation to my conduct, not my origin or race. Shouldn’t my actions dictate how I’m labelled? The law states prisons and death penalty are as punishment, not the prisons being built for punishment. I’m disciplinary free as most men here.
I came to discover how easily laws relate to man but sadly not how man relates to the law. Shouldn’t rules be in place to help further someone’s positive inclinations and give incentive to follow the rules?
CDCR stands for California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. The R was recently added to C.D.C. Since I am in their custody shouldn’t the “R” applies to me as well? I was sentenced to be executed at San Quentin’s death row, but the judge didn’t order for the warden to execute my spirit and mind before my body? Why is the system in CDCR focused on killing the human spirit?? What is the beneficial purpose?
Yes it’s true I am a condemned man for a reason. It’s through deeds man’s deepest thoughts are revealed. What he causes, he will also feel the effects of his actions. It is also true, through reasoning and self-analysis that man’s able to scratch the surface and reach the depth of our being. It is through books, studying, that man may not only ask but seek answers to questions like “what does it mean to be alive? To be human, and why? For what meaning?”. But he also may learn the path of such answers.
Up until I discovered there was such knowledge, I only knew what I was told, saw, heard and lived. By learning various teachings I’ve learned all sorts of questions I never thought of, let alone asked. Now I could begin to seek how to live or how not to live. Being alive is no answer to the problems of the living, so we must seek such answers. But how am I to do that if there’s only a 3 book limit? A dictionary and a thesaurus take up 2 books. Only 1 property officer to pass out books and property to 100 inmates leaves weeks of waiting for the next set of books. All other California prisons have a 10 book limit as to the other death row inmates in East Block.
I came to death row with the expectation to continue my search of human truths. Isn’t it true if you show man there are more trains of thought that the painful one he’s been born and raised on, he’ll leave it for a more peaceful one?. It is part of being human to seek more and gain more experience. To be human we must be more than human. I’m referring to what us sentient being s are made of and capable of being. There are many cultures with various ideologies. There are many religions that teach many fabulous ways to God(s). There are many forms of knowledge in the world both secular and religious. In a day and age where all that information is at a touch of a screen on a phone, we don’t even have a library program let alone college correspondence courses. There are very limited religious services here.
I’m in the A/C which is said to be a disciplinary building. I’m classified Grade B. Grade A is where you get all the privileges like contact visits, phone, arts and crafts, colleges, 4 packages a year etc. On the main line you get those first then lose them if you misbehave or don’t think as they wish you to. Here we are Grade B first, with no program until they decide you get Grade A. No set criteria to be Grade A. The Grade B in East Block has more privileges then is in Grade B in the A/C. We are about 97% of the A/C with very few for disciplinary reasons. We haven’t done anything. Why am I being disciplined? I look around and see the majority of men here are of Latino race and those that are not have been disciplinary free as well. Where’s the justification in that, a logical common-sense justification in it? All of us are yet to be told one! Many men have been here 10-20 years for no good reason.
All humans feel fear, anger, pain, loneliness, frustration and yearning but in a single man cell alone with these emotions as company. Who does a man expect to communicate and confide in? How am I or anyone to feel love, learn of compassion and experience if we are isolated? Mail helps a lot and I’m very grateful to those friends and family who write to me, but mail takes 2-4 weeks to arrive. There’s no phone call, no contact visits to have that human contact or hear our loved ones voices. What about seeing the emotions of their faces, hear their love in the tones of voice and be able to huge and hold their hands? What about fathers and husband whose physical relationships are just as important to their spouse and kids? It’s cruel and unusual punishment to be deprived of that contact if our actions do not warrant it.
The food has no salt, nor can I purchase any, and there is a limit to how much we could purchase in our monthly opportunity to order from canteen. The food is bland and only enough to keep us alive. I’d say it’s the legal limit but often it’s not, since the trays do not hold the legal limit of some foods.
On September 27th 2011 a memo came out saying all inmates shall have access to art supplies and exercise equipment. In art I discovered unknown skills, an avenue of creativity and an unknown therapeutic method. It’s an exercise in building self-discipline which is a major factor of maturity. It’s a way to tame a wild mind and build self-esteem. Many consider it a spiritual process, thus beneficial in many abstract ways. Yet here in the A/C on San Quentin State Prison death row, it’s not allowed. Shouldn’t C.D.C.R follow their own rules?
We’re condemned to execution in prison, but we are not immune to our unconscious drives and stressful thoughts. We‘re in our cells, except for the 3 hour yard time we get 3 days a week. Our cells have a ventilation system that blows cold air then hot air. Hot air which is suffocating and worse than the hottest summer day. What’s worse is it’s often cold in winter and hot in summer for weeks. The toilet flushes 2 times in a half hour so if you’re not careful you’ll be eating your meal with the smell of faeces and urine. The mattress is 4 inches thick but often worn down from years of use. How is that of any benefit to our state of mind?
Man shouldn’t be punished for talking to whom he pleases to talk to. Man shouldn’t be punished for not ignoring his own race and exercising with whom he wishes to, and believing as he wishes to believe. One way to leave the A/C is to give information to I.G.I. There’s nothing going on here. So people make up stuff and in fact it’s encouraged. It reminds me of the cultural revolution in China; condemn someone else to gain better treatment and truth be dammed. Information is never proven to be true still put in your file as truth and used against you with no chance of defending yourself! Your good conduct is not considered a factor.
When the law is enforced it’s not racism but how the system is set up. What’s the different when the results are the same? No Matter what valid logical arguments are presented in my favour their party line adhered to-I’m still stuck in the A/C. Shouldn’t justice be done for man’s sake not only justice for justice’s sake? That’s proving to be noble cause corruption. Where is the incentive for us to follow the rules if the end is the same…I’m stuck in the A/C! Who’s the vindictive party here when I’m disciplinary free!
The United Kingdom did an in depth study into the prisoner to be executed state of mind. They found it to be torture so they do not execute people based on that, along with other valid humanitarian reasons. I agree 100% Why is the USA right and the U.N and U.K wrong?
All this proves to me there are different versions on what is right and what is wrong? Someone once said that a country is judged by its treatment of its prisoners. Iran arrested 3 American hitch hikers under the mistaken idea they were spies. 1 of those 3 visited California’s prisons and said Iran gave them better treatment then we get. One of them, Shane Bauer, is a journalist who was the winner of the John Jay college award for his story of California isolation units. How ironic is that? Yet it’s said Iran is the “evil country”. What does it say of the USA and particularly the California system?
I patiently dwell in death row vicissitudes because I have hopes it will become better. I refuse to become stagnant, to be executed in body, mind and spirit. I refuse to let them distinguish the spark of spirituality and knowledge now inflamed in me. I refuse to become bitter, but fight for a peaceful life. I refuse to become angry yet no become complacent. This is why I share my story of the California death row in the adjustment centre
-Written by 2 of San Quentin’s Death row inmates who have never left the A/C since arriving at San Quentin State prison California, Spring 2013 -
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